Moms (and it’s almost always moms), we did it! We got the kids back to school at last. It’s a good thing too, because I don’t know about you but by the end of the summer (I’m ashamed to admit), youtube is basically his parent.
Isn’t it crazy how BUSY this season seems though? And before we know it it’s the end of the day and we think, what the heck have I actually gotten done today? How is it I’ve been busy all day and I’m so tired and yet the house is a mess and I got no actual job work done either?
It’s because this season is FULL of invisible labor for us. The unpaid, unappreciated, invisible work that keeps our families–and the world–going, but it’s mostly unseen and definitely not really valued in our culture.
It’s one of my life’s missions to help change that. We can’t change everything we want in order to leave this world a bit better for our kids’ generation, but by god the least we can do is drag these issues into the light. They might not get fixed for a while, but perhaps that’s not our task. Our task is to tell the truth.
So, let’s talk about all the STUFF that needs done to get kids ready to go back to school.
- Financial management: lord it’s not cheap. We’re thinking months ahead of how to save up for clothes and supplies and god knows WHAT size shoes they will be in by then.
- Clothes management: speaking of shoe sizes, ask yourself this–who in your family holds all of the clothing and shoe sizes in their heads, who goes through the closets and gets rid of stuff that’s too small, who is always noticing sales when they come up, who is swapping hand me downs, who is remembering dress codes and special clothing requirements? I’ve yet to meet a family where it’s not the mom that carries this mental load. And it is a LOAD let me tell you.
- The Hell That Is Shopping With Teenagers: need I say more?
- Managing the digital load and ALL the information it involves. Hey, it’s great that so many forms online now, right? Ha! Let’s see..the school has a new lunch money system, and it says it will use your old login and password, but it doesn’t work, and anyway you can’t find that damn password because it’s the office computer that “remembers” it. Then you have to reconnect your payment methods and there’s an hour of your life gone forever. You successfully logged into the parent portal, hooray you! Oh but the schedules aren’t there, they are in ProgressBook, which is a different site and a different login and password, and the link isn’t easy to find so first you have to go looking for it and the email reminder from the school does NOT have a link to it that works, so you look all over the school website. He’s not in advanced English this year, the schedule says, but apparently they don’t have a separate class this year? A call to the guidance counselor. The bus schedule, however, IS on ProgressBook, hooray! But it was updated since the last time you looked so the kid misses the bus the first day and you have to drive him in but WAIT did the dropoff instructions change this year?! Did they change the whole traffic flow? Am I driving the wrong way?! And that information was in a separate email somewhere and NOT anywhere near the bus schedule. Oh, at least we can pay school fees online! Except you can’t find the sports fees anywhere, and is that because the kid cracked their chromebook screen and I think we were supposed to pay a fee? Did we ever pay it? But the soccer coach says he can’t come to practice TODAY if the fee isn’t paid, but you can’t find anywhere to pay the fee, so you look back at the texts from the soccer coach but there’s ANOTHER app you’re supposed to be using to keep in touch with coaches, but you can’t even remember what it’s called, let alone whatever password you used. And what time was practice supposed to start? It’s on the damn app you can’t find, and anyway they’re apparently supposed to arrive EARLY to every practice to be considered on time, so is that actual time listed or do I have to rearrange my ENTIRE FREAKING SCHEDULE to arrive 15 minutes earlier than that? (Those are all taken from real situations that happened THIS YEAR. And that’s not even all of them.)
- The backpack policy has changed! They have to leave them in their locker. My kid refuses to use his locker because it stresses him out.
- The phone policy has changed! They have to leave it in their locker. See locker situation above.
- School supplies: personal supplies, general supplies to give to the teacher, and “team” supplies for each team. Go back to step one to figure out where to log in to see what team he’s on.
- Headphones or earbuds? Wired or wireless? Doesn’t say. Too tired to care now so you take your best shot.
- Doctor appointments: annual checkup, is there a physical form they need filled out for a sport? Each sport has its own form to fill out, so we have to hunt these down, print them, then REMEMBER to bring them (the hard part for me). Then get them back to the school, and good luck getting your kid to remember to actually turn it in.
- Vaccination/physical records need to be sent to the school.
- Other annual medical appointments like dentist, eye doctor, etc.
- Sports equipment needed. Good lord. If you live in a small town like we do, finding the required equipment can be an added challenge.
- Scheduling extracurriculars: sports in particular seem to have insane schedules now. The transportation required to and from practices, games, special events, etc. is an ongoing juggling act and who is the one that usually carries the mental load of this, makes sure someone is scheduled to transport them, make sure there are no conflicts? You guessed it, the mom.
- Lunches: if you have a picky eater, this can be quite hellish. For our family, there is also the hangry factor: if it’s something he won’t eat, he will be awful for the rest of the day, because he will NOT eat if he’s hungry enough, maybe some kids do or maybe this is a pack of lies, I don’t know, but not my kid. And then he’s incredibly mean and grumpy and the brain does not comprehend anything. So then you have to check the lunch schedule, and then you have to figure out what to pack if he won’t eat the lunch that day, and then you have to remember to buy it, and then you just have to hope and pray that he is actually still eating that.
- Before that, there is all the stuff that goes with lunches: does the thermos have all the parts? Where are all those containers I bought last year? Will he still take the Minecraft lunchbag from last year or will he not be caught dead carrying it this year because it’s not cool anymore?
- Emotional support: guiding kids through all the feelings of going back to school, the new teachers and schedules, the new friend groups and dramas, not to mention the constant emotional turmoil of the teen years.
- Overseeing homework: for some families, this is hell on earth. For some kids, especially neurodivergent kids, this is like a part time job, especially when you add in monitoring grades and if they are actually turning in those assignments. And it takes a real toll on the parental relationship. See emotional support above.
- Communicating with teachers: if you’re lucky, you might not have to do much of this. But if you have a neurodivergent kid or one who’s struggling in any way, then communicating with teachers can take a lot of time and energy and mental space. Not only is it communicating about your child, it’s a lot more hidden emotional labor: getting to know the teacher, sizing them up, taking into consideration their approach and philosophy, understanding what kind of communication will be most effective with each teacher, trying to navigate when there is a conflict with your child, trying to balance your child’s needs with showing respect to the teacher and their classroom. It’s a lot, and it’s mostly invisible.
- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE ARE ALL OF YOUR SHOES AND WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PUT THEM ON THE SHOE RACK
- Winter coats and gloves and hats and scarves and boots. Where do they all go, I ask you?
- If your kid has an IEP or 504, that is an entire separate post FULL of its own stuff.
- If your child has a chronic illness, physical or mental, that is ANOTHER full post of stuff.
- Many kids who have a chronic mental illness or behavioral health issue have both of the above. That’s two full sets of labor for parents of these kids, and to top it off, there’s a lot of shame and stigma around it and these parents feel alone and unseen. (Check out some of my writing about that: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/10-things-parents-of-normal-kids-should-know_b_58d03fd9e4b0537abd9573bf)
- Keeping enough food around for the bottomless stomachs of teenage boys.
- Lots more that my tired brain can’t even remember.
So moms, if you’re wondering why you’re tired, take a look at this PARTIAL list and take a moment to celebrate all that invisible work you’re doing. And get yourself a little treat while you’re at it! Don't forget to hide it before the kids get home from school.